Rahul Gandhi’s secretary misplaces his Independence day cheat sheet, Sonia Gandhi fires him

“Not a day of politics, will talk tomorrow.” Said Rahul Gandhi after PM’s speech while fumbling in his pockets as he realized that cheat sheet he was provided had been misplaced. Rahul Gandhi’s disappointment and anger resulted into dismissal of his secretary who had misplaced Rahul Gandhi’s cheat sheet of anti-modi pointers to be presented in front of media.

Rahul Gandhi had to manage without such cheat sheet on India's 9th Independence day

Rahul Gandhi had to manage without such cheat sheet on India’s 9th Independence day

Immediately after honorable prime minister Narendra Modi concluded his speech from Red Fort, media turned their attention to Congress flag bearer Mr Gandhi for his verdict on Modi’s speech. However, they were let down by Mr Gandhi who still kept his hands in his pocket and continued looking for notes.

Anonymous sources suggested that they were sure about such blunder happening as Rahul Gandhi’s secretary wasn’t any good at his job. “Few days back, he misplaced Mr Gandhi’s list of all shows of POGO TV he was planning to watch. Rahul Gandhi complained about it to Sonia ma’m and she gave him second chance. But today it had crossed all the limits.”

We tried getting a reaction from his secretary who clearly seemed broken hearted. “I have always efficiently managed all notes for Rahul sir and whenever a note went missing, I have handled the situation by other means. After Nepal earthquake, at Nepal embassy, when Rahul Gandhi mixed his tribute note with Jupiter Velocity Theory, I was the one who immediately sent a copy of original notes to his phone via WhatsApp. Even today, just to avoid such situation, I had inserted multiple copies of his speech into pockets all of the kurtas he might be wearing. I have no idea how the note went missing.”

R&D Department of NASA has offered a permanent solution to this. “We can create a micro sized 3D printer which will stay in his pockets all the time. Whenever he needs cheat sheet on anything, we can simply email it to his smartphone and it will automatically be printed in his phone as this 3D printer will stay connected with the phone using Bluetooth. Or we can just give him Google Glass so that he can refer to notes while speaking in public, or even watch POGO TV and none will know ! He has been an avid contributor at NASA in our counting stars project. This is the least we can do for him.”

Disappointed for not being included in #Top10Criminals, Rahul Gandhi Starts his own trend #Top10Pappus

As Google started throwing Narendra Modi’s image when searched for #Top10Criminals, Rahul Gandhi ran into extreme disappointment as none of the Congress party showed up in that list. Angry Rahul Gandhi started his own trend #Top10Pappus and positioned his MEMEs circling around the internet.

Gangadhar hi shaktimaan hai ! #Top10Pappus

Gangadhar hi shaktimaan hai ! #Top10Pappus

Aur fir na, dragon balls main se dinosaur nikla itna bada #Top10Pappus

Aur fir na, dragon balls main se dinosaur nikla itna bada #Top10Pappus

Toh kya kissan, kissan jam nahi banaate? #Top10Pappus

Toh kya kissan, kissan jam nahi banaate? #Top10Pappus

Fir shaktimaan itna bada ho gaya #Top10Pappus

Fir shaktimaan itna bada ho gaya #Top10Pappus

Jumanji dekha kya? #Top10Pappus

Jumanji dekha kya? #Top10Pappus

I couldn’t see POGO #Top10Pappus

I couldn’t see POGO #Top10Pappus

Boomer ke saath abhi bhi free nahi milte tazzo #Top10Pappus

Boomer ke saath abhi bhi free nahi milte tazzo #Top10Pappus

I have never watched chhota bheem #Top10Pappus

I have never watched chhota bheem #Top10Pappus

Chhota bheem kaalia se haar gaya #Top10Pappus

Chhota bheem kaalia se haar gaya #Top10Pappus

Pikachu Jiggleypuff se zyaada cute hai #Top10Pappus

Pikachu Jiggleypuff se zyaada cute hai #Top10Pappus

Aaj Doraemon nahi dekh paaya #Top10Pappus

Aaj Doraemon nahi dekh paaya #Top10Pappus

Kisne kaha ki main POGO dekhta hu ! #Top10Pappus

Kisne kaha ki main POGO dekhta hu ! #Top10Pappus

What Google thinks about Rahul Gandhi and Sonia Gandhi?

Google autocomplete suggestions is one amazing feature to get an insight on how users of Google view a subject. The queries we see in autocomplete suggestions, are populated based on how many times users search for them. Here are Google autocomplete suggestions about Rahul Gandhi, Sonia Gandhi and their usual band members – Manmohan Singh, Kapil Sibal and Digvijay Singh. (On the same subject, i am curious why Kapil Sibal has never tried to censor this data considering his keenness in having entire internet data censored if it is found to be exposing him or congress.)

Google autocomplete suggestions about Rahul Gandhi

Google autocomplete suggestions about Rahul Gandhi

Google autocomplete suggestions about Rahul Gandhi

Google autocomplete suggestions about Rahul Gandhi

Autocomplete suggestions on Sonia Gandhi

Autocomplete suggestions on Sonia Gandhi

Autocomplete suggestions on Sonia Gandhi

Autocomplete suggestions on Sonia Gandhi

Kapil Sibal as per autocomplete suggestions. Let Kapil Sibal suck on this !

Kapil Sibal as per autocomplete suggestions. Let Kapil Sibal suck on this !

Kapil Sibal as per autocomplete suggestions. Let Kapil Sibal suck on this !

Kapil Sibal as per autocomplete suggestions. Let Kapil Sibal suck on this !

Autocomplete suggestions on Manmohan Singh

Autocomplete suggestions on Manmohan Singh

Autocomplete suggestions on Manmohan Singh

Autocomplete suggestions on Manmohan Singh

Now this is what users think about Digvijay Singh !

Now this is what users think about Digvijay Singh !

Now this is what users think about Digvijay Singh !

Now this is what users think about Digvijay Singh !

Stray dogs arrested for barking at Robert Vadra’s car

A group of stay dogs was arrested by Robert Vadra’s servents government authority in Delhi after they started barking at Robert Vadra’s car today afternoon. Delhi police mentioned that these dogs were posing serious threat to Mr Vadra’s life – the husband of Priynka Gandhi and son-in-law of Sonia Gandhi.

CCTV footage of dogs bullying Robert Vadra’s car near Amar colony, Lajpat Nagar in New Delhi

CCTV footage of dogs bullying Robert Vadra’s car near Amar colony, Lajpat Nagar in New Delhi

The details of this example of quick action by Delhi police were revealed to be as, soon after a businessman was fined for dangerously overtaking Robert Vadra’s car, few street dogs started following his car. This group of innocent looking violent dogs surrounded the car and started barking. “They even chased Mr Vadra’s car despite the fact that they noticed his VIP number. They sure had intentions of harming the honest businessman who only strives to own explore more land. Just like Christopher Columbus !” – added SHO of Lajpat Nagar police station.

Digvijay Singh has endorsed this action by Delhi police while accusing the dogs to be members of RSS. “The attack was too organized for stray dogs. Only RSS can train dogs to attack poor Vadra who was on way to sign another land deal. RSS is not man enough, now they are relying on dogs. We will execute a campaign to kick away all stray dogs from Muslim localities. Who knows, they might be working for Modi too !”

“We never had intentions of hurting Robert Vadra.” – said the leader of dogs in an exclusive interview at Amar nagar police station in Lajpat area. “We thought he is here to make land deals in Amar colony too. We were only protesting to protect our illegal colony. Even we could have escaped with escape velocity of Jupiter like dalits, but we did not.”

While replying to our question of what are their plans now, the dogs unanimously responded that once released from custody, they will straight head for Aam Aadmi Party volunteer program for general elections. “They are the only ones who treat everyone equally. Be it dogs or poors or beggers.” added little puppy, son of the gang leader who had decided to stay away from the protest considering Modi’s puppy remark.

Rahul Gandhi takes a cue from AAP’s victory, forms Aam Aurat Party (AAP)

Before Delhi could recover from AAP’s surprising election victory this sunday, Rahul Gandhi has brought another shocker for Delhiites. Taking learnings from Aam Aadmi Party – (AAP)‘s victory, Rahul Gandhi has announced formation of Aam Aurat Party (AAP). Mr Gandhi mentioned that “clearly Congress had failed to connect to common people and that has made them loose in this elections bigtime. But still, there is a chance for Congress to survive in the form of Aam Aurat Party (AAP) under his leadership.”

After Aam Aadmi Party (AAP), Will Rahul Gandhi be able to reinstate people’s trust with his newly formed Aam Aurat Party

After Aam Aadmi Party (AAP), Will Rahul Gandhi be able to reinstate people’s trust with his newly formed Aam Aurat Party

“Through these elections, the people have delivered a message. That message has been taken by me and our party not just with our minds, but with our hearts.”, added Mr Gandhi while referring to Aam Aadmi Party. “The message clearly is that aam aadmi (common man) has power to bring any change he wants. But why is this power owned by only one gender? Women in our democracy should have equal right and Congress can not allow a gender biased party to take charge of Delhi.”

“So what if congress has lost in this elections? With our Aam Aurat Party (AAP), we are sure to come back into power.” – concluded Mr Rahul Gandhi.

Post this announcement, Rahul Gandhi also shared names of initial few key members of Aam Aurat Party (AAP), mainly being Poonam Pandey and Sunny Leone.

“We want to position those members to whom people of India can connect more easily. And who could be better than everyone’s beloved Poonam Pandey and Sunny Leone ! They come from common families and they live among the masses. They sure will gain people’s trust once people notice their face.” – Rahul Gandhi revealed his five years strategy.

“With Poonam and Sunny on our side, I am sure that not only aam aurat, but also aam aadmi will vote for us.” – smiled Kapil Sibal while praising Rahul baba for this game-changing initiative.

Pocket mirror – the election symbol of Aam Aurat Party (AAP)

Pocket mirror – the election symbol of Aam Aurat Party (AAP)

While unveiling the election symbol of Aam Aurat Party, Digvijay Singh added that “Not every women uses jhaadu. Women in India has advanced to vacuum cleaner now. Pocket mirror is an accessory that every common women in India uses. It’s pocket mirror where every common women finds her worth and sees what powerful personality she carries. Pocket mirror doesn’t only show the face of it’s user, but it also shows the person who can change the face of India.”

“Aam Aurat Party is the only hope for gender biased Indian society where women has always been neglected. I want every woman in India to get same respect as what I have been getting from the prime minister of India.” Said Sonia Gandhi while announcing Rakhi Sawant’s name as the party’s candidate for next Delhi assembly elections. “Rakhi Sawant has already done well for the society through Raakhi ka Insaaf. Now it’s time that Rakhi does an Insaaf for entire Delhi.”

Rahul Gandhi denied right to vote as name on voter card says Pappu Gandhi

In a rather disappointing turn of events, Rahul Gandhi was denied his right to vote as his name on voter card said Pappu Gandhi. When local authority appointed by Chief Electoral Office at Aurangzeb Lane polling station pointed out his name on voter card as Pappu Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi’s claim of being a responsible citizen fell apart. After much heated discussion over Pappu Gandhi being his nickname, Rahul Gandhi was barred from exercising his right to vote in Delhi assembly elections. While entire Delhi had lined up at polling booths to caste their votes, Rahul Gandhi had to spend this important day in frustration over his name.

Rahul Gandhi expressed his disappointment after he found out that his name on his voter card was printed as Pappu Gandhi

Rahul Gandhi expressed his disappointment after he found out that his name on his voter card was printed as Pappu Gandhi

“Murphy’s law never stops haunting my child.” Said Sonia Gandhi when she saw Rahul Gandhi walking back to his house without having his middle finger inked. “This confusion over his name being Pappu Gandhi is really delaying the progress of our nation. Earlier it was at Doon school, and now this Delhi elections. Election commission of India has played a cruel joke with him. I even had my name printed on his voter card as mother so that none questions him while he exercises his right to vote, even if it because of his IQ. But this confusion over his name was a deal-breaker ! Look at his face in voter card. How can someone not let this innocent poor looking child caste his vote?”

Delhi’s present chief minister Sheila Dixit immediately demanded CBI inquiry to probe into this scam. She accused Election Commission for playing this prank with Rahul Gandhi.

Responding to Sheila Dixit’s accusations, Mr. V.S.Sampath, the present Chief Election Commissioner said “We only did what we had been told to. We had clear instructions that kindly provide voter cards to migrants solely based on verbal information. We had more than 5000 bangladeshi migrants whom we had to provide voter cards. We thought we might just do the same for migrants from Italy as well. Everyone we asked, confirmed Rahul Gandhi’s name as Pappu Gandhi, and that’s what we printed on his voter card. We know he does not have much an IQ, but our intention was never to stop him from casting his vote.”

“Even my voter card reads my name as Dogvijay Singh, but they never stopped me from voting ! What they did with Rahul baba is totally unfair.” Digvijay singh made a sad-puppy-face while talking to media.

Kapil Sibal tried to console Rahul Gandhi and advised him to maintain two voter cards from now on with both names to avoid any confusion in upcoming general elections.

UPA government announces multiple statues of black money in Switzerland to symbolize scams

“Statue of black money is only a way to make everyone understand that we acknowledge the gravity of scams.” – said Rahul Gandhi while announcing multiple statues of black money to symbolize scams that were were uncovered by CAG during last five years period. “Larger the amount of black money involved, taller the statue will be to represent that scam.” – added Rahul Gandhi after sharing a rough sketch of statues to be erected in front of Swiss bank in Switzerland.

As informed by UPA government, larger the amount of black money involved in scam, taller the statue will be that will represent the scam.

As informed by UPA government, larger the amount of black money involved in scam, taller the statue will be that will represent the scam.

“Black money is in our shirts. It’s in our pants. Scams is only a state of mind. Hence, we decided to give it a physical form.” – Continued Rahul Gandhi.

“We will soon be launching a drive to collect black money from those who are involved in scams. We will exchange the black money for coins of Indian rupee. These coins will be used in statues that will represent scams.” Explained Manish Tewari while addressing the press conference held in Congress head quarters at 10, Janpath.

Digvijay Singh clarified to media that – “This has nothing to do with a community or religion. Unlike Modi government’s project of building tallest statue of Sardar Patel – Statue of Unity, our plan is not limiting the subject to a specific party. Every party has a right to execute scam and make black money. We are not limiting it to a particular religion or community. What can be more uniting than this?”

“The statue of black money to represent scams is same as my open challenge to everyone for a debate. Nothing can stand against it. I challenge everyone to prove that how Modi’s plan of world’s tallest statue is superior than UPA government’s plan of statue of black money?” – Kapil Sibal challenged the media to provide an answer.

“We will soon be launching an official body to manage scams and black money. Once Soniaji appoints, I’ll make a formal announcement to declare scam minster who will direct the project of statue of black money.” – Reported Manmohan Singh despite media showed no interest in having his comment.