Well known actor Leonardo DiCaprio announced today that he felt “proud” to return his Oscar award (soon to be won) as part of what he called an unparalleled political movement against ideological viciousness.
“If we do not have the right to dream freely, we will turn into a society that suffers from intellectual malnutrition, a nation of fools,” Leo said while spinning his totem to check if his awake or sleeping.
The 40-year-old has never won any Oscar award despite being nominated for three times. However, confident that he will win the Oscar someday, he has already return that in advance to protest against rising intolerance in India.
“I am very pleased to announce that have not won even a single Oscar yet (despite saving Kate Winslet from sinking in chilly night) but I am confident that someday, I will win an Award that I can return, because it allows me to be a part of a political movement initiated by writers, filmmakers and academics in India who have risen up against a kind of ideological viciousness and an assault on our collective IQ that will tear us apart and bury us very deep if we do not stand up to it now,” he mentioned. “It’s high time that we we use kick and wake up from this nightmare !”
Leo has also offered all the Oscars won by his long time collaborator Martin Scorsese on behalf of him. Infact, Leo is all set to launch and NGO that facilitates awardwapasi for entire Hollywood.
“Not a day of politics, will talk tomorrow.” Said Rahul Gandhi after PM’s speech while fumbling in his pockets as he realized that cheat sheet he was provided had been misplaced. Rahul Gandhi’s disappointment and anger resulted into dismissal of his secretary who had misplaced Rahul Gandhi’s cheat sheet of anti-modi pointers to be presented in front of media.
Immediately after honorable prime minister Narendra Modi concluded his speech from Red Fort, media turned their attention to Congress flag bearer Mr Gandhi for his verdict on Modi’s speech. However, they were let down by Mr Gandhi who still kept his hands in his pocket and continued looking for notes.
Anonymous sources suggested that they were sure about such blunder happening as Rahul Gandhi’s secretary wasn’t any good at his job. “Few days back, he misplaced Mr Gandhi’s list of all shows of POGO TV he was planning to watch. Rahul Gandhi complained about it to Sonia ma’m and she gave him second chance. But today it had crossed all the limits.”
We tried getting a reaction from his secretary who clearly seemed broken hearted. “I have always efficiently managed all notes for Rahul sir and whenever a note went missing, I have handled the situation by other means. After Nepal earthquake, at Nepal embassy, when Rahul Gandhi mixed his tribute note with Jupiter Velocity Theory, I was the one who immediately sent a copy of original notes to his phone via WhatsApp. Even today, just to avoid such situation, I had inserted multiple copies of his speech into pockets all of the kurtas he might be wearing. I have no idea how the note went missing.”
R&D Department of NASA has offered a permanent solution to this. “We can create a micro sized 3D printer which will stay in his pockets all the time. Whenever he needs cheat sheet on anything, we can simply email it to his smartphone and it will automatically be printed in his phone as this 3D printer will stay connected with the phone using Bluetooth. Or we can just give him Google Glass so that he can refer to notes while speaking in public, or even watch POGO TV and none will know ! He has been an avid contributor at NASA in our counting stars project. This is the least we can do for him.”
As Google started throwing Narendra Modi’s image when searched for #Top10Criminals, Rahul Gandhi ran into extreme disappointment as none of the Congress party showed up in that list. Angry Rahul Gandhi started his own trend #Top10Pappus and positioned his MEMEs circling around the internet.
Google autocomplete suggestions is one amazing feature to get an insight on how users of Google view a subject. The queries we see in autocomplete suggestions, are populated based on how many times users search for them. Here are Google autocomplete suggestions about Rahul Gandhi, Sonia Gandhi and their usual band members – Manmohan Singh, Kapil Sibal and Digvijay Singh. (On the same subject, i am curious why Kapil Sibal has never tried to censor this data considering his keenness in having entire internet data censored if it is found to be exposing him or congress.)
A group of stay dogs was arrested by Robert Vadra’s servents government authority in Delhi after they started barking at Robert Vadra’s car today afternoon. Delhi police mentioned that these dogs were posing serious threat to Mr Vadra’s life – the husband of Priynka Gandhi and son-in-law of Sonia Gandhi.
The details of this example of quick action by Delhi police were revealed to be as, soon after a businessman was fined for dangerously overtaking Robert Vadra’s car, few street dogs started following his car. This group of innocent looking violent dogs surrounded the car and started barking. “They even chased Mr Vadra’s car despite the fact that they noticed his VIP number. They sure had intentions of harming the honest businessman who only strives to own explore more land. Just like Christopher Columbus !” – added SHO of Lajpat Nagar police station.
Digvijay Singh has endorsed this action by Delhi police while accusing the dogs to be members of RSS. “The attack was too organized for stray dogs. Only RSS can train dogs to attack poor Vadra who was on way to sign another land deal. RSS is not man enough, now they are relying on dogs. We will execute a campaign to kick away all stray dogs from Muslim localities. Who knows, they might be working for Modi too !”
“We never had intentions of hurting Robert Vadra.” – said the leader of dogs in an exclusive interview at Amar nagar police station in Lajpat area. “We thought he is here to make land deals in Amar colony too. We were only protesting to protect our illegal colony. Even we could have escaped with escape velocity of Jupiter like dalits, but we did not.”
While replying to our question of what are their plans now, the dogs unanimously responded that once released from custody, they will straight head for Aam Aadmi Party volunteer program for general elections. “They are the only ones who treat everyone equally. Be it dogs or poors or beggers.” added little puppy, son of the gang leader who had decided to stay away from the protest considering Modi’s puppy remark.
Before Delhi could recover from AAP’s surprising election victory this sunday, Rahul Gandhi has brought another shocker for Delhiites. Taking learnings from Aam Aadmi Party – (AAP)‘s victory, Rahul Gandhi has announced formation of Aam Aurat Party (AAP). Mr Gandhi mentioned that “clearly Congress had failed to connect to common people and that has made them loose in this elections bigtime. But still, there is a chance for Congress to survive in the form of Aam Aurat Party (AAP) under his leadership.”
“Through these elections, the people have delivered a message. That message has been taken by me and our party not just with our minds, but with our hearts.”, added Mr Gandhi while referring to Aam Aadmi Party. “The message clearly is that aam aadmi (common man) has power to bring any change he wants. But why is this power owned by only one gender? Women in our democracy should have equal right and Congress can not allow a gender biased party to take charge of Delhi.”
“So what if congress has lost in this elections? With our Aam Aurat Party (AAP), we are sure to come back into power.” – concluded Mr Rahul Gandhi.
Post this announcement, Rahul Gandhi also shared names of initial few key members of Aam Aurat Party (AAP), mainly being Poonam Pandey and Sunny Leone.
“We want to position those members to whom people of India can connect more easily. And who could be better than everyone’s beloved Poonam Pandey and Sunny Leone ! They come from common families and they live among the masses. They sure will gain people’s trust once people notice their face.” – Rahul Gandhi revealed his five years strategy.
“With Poonam and Sunny on our side, I am sure that not only aam aurat, but also aam aadmi will vote for us.” – smiled Kapil Sibal while praising Rahul baba for this game-changing initiative.
While unveiling the election symbol of Aam Aurat Party, Digvijay Singh added that “Not every women uses jhaadu. Women in India has advanced to vacuum cleaner now. Pocket mirror is an accessory that every common women in India uses. It’s pocket mirror where every common women finds her worth and sees what powerful personality she carries. Pocket mirror doesn’t only show the face of it’s user, but it also shows the person who can change the face of India.”
“Aam Aurat Party is the only hope for gender biased Indian society where women has always been neglected. I want every woman in India to get same respect as what I have been getting from the prime minister of India.” Said Sonia Gandhi while announcing Rakhi Sawant’s name as the party’s candidate for next Delhi assembly elections. “Rakhi Sawant has already done well for the society through Raakhi ka Insaaf. Now it’s time that Rakhi does an Insaaf for entire Delhi.”