Category Archives: Mocking News

Kapil Sibal challenges everyone to debate over anything at anytime in anyplace

After union minister Kapil Sibal challenged Narendra Modi to debate, he has extended this challenge to everyone by inviting everyone to debate with him over anything at anytime in anyplace. Participants will be able to choose the topic for debate and also language in which he wishes to debate.

Kapil Sibal waiting for someone to respond to his challenge of debate with anyone over anything at anytime in anyplace

Kapil Sibal waiting for someone to respond to his challenge of debate with anyone over anything at anytime in anyplace

“All you need is an aadhaar card !” – added Kapil Sibal after challenging the entire world for a debate. “I love debates. I am open to use any language from Hindi, English, sign languages and languages used by chimps or even terrorists. I hereby summon everyone – especially Arnab Goswami and Rajdeep Sardesai to join me in a debate. I am ready to take on any question on behalf of UPA government from any field as long as it’s not hurting UPA’s image or challenge my zero loss theory. I will soon publish a list of suggested topics if you can not come up with any.”

“I have even thought of a panel who will be the judge.” – said Digvijay Singh when media approached him for a comment. “I have appointed myself, Karan Johar and Kapil Sharma to enact as judge for Kapil Sibal’s debate. The entire debate will be posted live on social media once we filter the content out based on Kapil Sibal’s policy.”

A group of drunkards from chandani bar have approached Kapil Sibal’s office with subject of item numbers to take up the debate challenge put up by Kapil Sibal. They have been asked to stay in queue and wait for their chance as Kapil Sibal’s office has already received multiple applications from homeless donkeys and existing Aakash tablets.

UPA government bans sex to promote ‘hand’ – the election symbol of congress

UPA government has banned sex to promote hand – the election symbol of congress. In a dramatic move after Amar Chand Babaria requested Election Commission to cover lotus flowers as voters might get influenced towards BJP. UPA government has decided to make everyone use their hand and pay respect to congress’ election symbol.

‘Apna Haath Jagannath’ said UPA leadership announcing ban on sex to promote hand while addressing a crowd in Madhya Pradesh

‘Apna Haath Jagannath’ said UPA leadership announcing ban on sex to promote hand while addressing a crowd in Madhya Pradesh

This strange initiative was taken up by UPA government after Amar Chand, congress corporator from Madhya Pradesh demanded that election commission should cover all lotus flowers as it promotes BJP’s election symbol. This innovative suggestion lead the UPA government to ban sex in all congress ruled states so that young voters concentrate their attention to congress’ election symbol – hand.

Although, congress spokesperson Shakeel Ahmad has clarified that this ban is to control increasing population in India. “This ban merely adds more meaning to Rajiv Gandhi’s policy which coined the term hum do humare do. After Rajiv Gandhi, now we are ready to work under Rahul Gandhi’s leadership who already has embraced hands and decided not to marry. Use of hands can even bring down the number of increasing rapes in NCR. It’s a win-win situation for everyone. This development was very much in progress after Sonia Gandhi observed population of China in the video captured via our robot Manmohan Singh that was sent there for software upgrade.”

“Sex is a state of mind.” – said Rahul Gandhi, vice president of congress party while addressing media. “Hand is a much better alternative to shape your mind. Youth needs to connect with hand. Hand must be in your shirts and pants.” He also made a reference to Do Aankhen Barah Haath movie, which we are yet to analyze and understand.

“Even BJP leaders such as Modi and A B Vajpayee have been respecting hand and indirectly showing their inclination towards congress.” – smirked Digvijay Singh while giving a big hi-five on Kapil Sibal’s right hand and added – “Khoob jamega rang jab mil bethenge teen yaar. Main aur mere do haath !”

“We are not ignoring those who are handicaps.” announced Ghulam Nabi Azad, UPA government’s health minister. “We will provide them artificial hand and also show how to pay their respect to congress using that hand. Earlier I had asked people to watch television instead producing children. All I say now is respect hands while you watch television. We can even organize competition of using hands and award the winners with appropriate title.”

Meanwhile, representatives of porn industry have approached home minister Shinde offering their help in whole initiative. “Nobody respects hands better than us ! By legalizing our work, you can make even more people pay respect with hands.”

Sonia Gandhi’s robot Manmohan Singh all set to participate at World Robot Olympiad

UPA administration is all set to make another breakthrough achievement by positioning world famous robot Manmohan Singh as India’s entry to World Robot Olympiad planned at Jakarta on 15th November, 2013. Manmohan Singh’s nomination was decided by joint committee consisting of Rajnikanth – the robot, Digvijay Singh – the General Secretary of the All India Congress Committee and Rahul Gandhi – vice president of Congress. This move was long anticipated to clear Manmohan Singh’s image of being Sonia Gandhi’s pet robot.

Sonia Gandhi expressing her joy over Manmohan Singh’s participation at World Robot Olympiad

Sonia Gandhi expressing her joy over Manmohan Singh’s participation at World Robot Olympiad

“We want everyone to understand that MMS is not just pet robot of Gandhi family. His purpose is lot vaster than just being a toy at 10, Janpath.” – Said Digvijay Singh while informing media at a press meeting. “We even had an offer from James Cameroon who wanted to hire Manmohan Singh in next Terminator movie. But what can be a better task for Manmohan Singh than making India proud at World Robot Olympiad. This will give MMS (technical term used to refer to Manmohan Singh) a chance to showcase his capabilities.”

“We were keenly awaiting this moment.” Chinese president Xi Jinping expressed his joy. “After all, we’ve spent a lot of effort in updating his software and hardware while his visit to China. he is our best technology advancement after providing internet connection via a light bulb !”

“Yenna Rascalaa !” shouted Rajanikanth when media asked him why he himself is not participating in World Robot Olympiad. “My software runs on old CPU. MMS has version 2.0. And above all, he has training from Sonia Gandhi. World Robot Olympiad is all about finding tolerance and obedience in a robot. Which robot can perform better in this competition than MMS who can take dehaati aurat comment and compassionately say theek hai? Manmohan Singh is born to do this.”

“Theek hai. theek hai. theek hai…” That’s all media could hear from Manmohan Singh while he was plugged in for charging at 10, Janpath.

“We have our full faith on China. They will never do such a thing.” said Sonia Gandhi when asked if China has made any replica of Manmohan Singh upon his visit to their country. “Infact, while they were in Ladakh, they were only doing experiments around how to improve Manmohan Singh’s response time to various situations. They will help us build better robots.”

Sonia Gandhi sues Horlicks for failing to improve Rahul Gandhi’s IQ

“I am a mother and I will not recommend Horlicks for any child.” said a frustrated Sonia Gandhi when Rahul Gandhi’s IQ showed no improvement even after having a full bottle of milk with Horlicks everyday. “I am going to demand a CBI inquiry against Horlicks for turning Rahul Gandhi in a pappu !” – Sonia Gandhi vented her anger.

Rahul Gandhi at CII conference advising women that Horlicks is of no use for their Children’s IQ

Rahul Gandhi at CII conference advising women that Horlicks is of no use for their Children’s IQ

“I started giving him Horlicks since he failed IQ test at doon school. I was hoping his hopeless IQ will improve but Horlicks turned him into a total pappu ! Now the entire nation is laughing at him.” said Sonia Gandhi. “Now just like a one year old child, all he speaks is Maa and Daadi and all he wants to do is watch POGO tv.”

I am always ready to work under Rahul Gandhi’s leadership doesn’t matter he has good IQ or not. And as UPA government, we will do everything necessary to prove he has a good IQ. We will begin with updating all NCERT textbooks to prove that India is bigger than USA and Europe put together.” Digvijay Singh expressed his confidence in Rahul’s IQ.

Manmohan singh said thik hai when he was asked if he is ok with working under Rahul Gandhi whose IQ is falling faster than Rakesh Roshan’s hair.

Meanwhile, Kapil Sibal has announced a definition of IQ which indicates that lower the IQ, smarter a person is. “IQ stands for nothing but Imbecility Quotient. By having Horlicks, Rahul baba’s IQ has dropped dead. Which is a good thing. Lesser IQ has, more pappu he is. Pappu with low Imbecility Quotient.” – defended Kapil Sibal.

Later the evening, Sonia has made it clear through an announcement that until CBI submits a report on damage of Horlicks on Rahul Gandhi’s IQ, he should be protected under pappu security bill. “None with IQ higher than Rahul Gandhi will be allowed within a radius of 100 meters.”

Stop targeting Rahul Gandhi’s emotions, target Manmohan Singh’s instead – says Khurshid

Khurshid has appealed media and critics to target Mammohan Singh’s emotions instead Rahul Gandhi’s after they launched a series of attacks on Rahul Gandhi’s emotions in response to his ISI remark. He requested – “Please understand Rahul Gandhi has emtions. He has feelings. If you keep posing questions to him one after another, he is going to break and cry. You do not want to make Rahul baba cry and make his mother angry. Target Manmohan Singh instead. He has a history of digesting insults such as being called a dehaati aurat by Pakistan’s prime minister.”

“Rahul Gandhi is not an emotionless robot. Manmohan Singh is. Go after him !” – expressed an angry Khurshid to the media.

Salman Khurshid programming Manmohan Singh to take attacks on his emotions on behalf of Rahul Gandhi

Salman Khurshid programming Manmohan Singh to take attacks on his emotions on behalf of Rahul Gandhi

“Manmohan Singh is our defacto target when we want to hurt someone emotionally.” Further added Minister of External Affairs. “Not only an outsider such as Nawaz Sharif aims at him when needed, even Rahul Gandhi himself uses him as punching bag when he has an ordinance to prove nonsense.”

“Sonia Gandhi has programmed him well. Everytime someone insults his emotions, he simply responds – Theek hai and moves on !” said Digvijay Singh to substantiate Khurshid. “We even sent him to China two days back to have his hardware upgraded so that we can run even more insult friendly programs on him.”

“It’s only nice of Sonia Gandhi that she has not demanded a CBI inquiry against media, critics and particularly Modi for psychologically assaulting a juvenile and hurting his emotions. Otherwise this issue is as serious as increasing rapes in national capital region.” – The media was warned by Kapil Sibal.

Responding to Khurshid, the PMO has issued a theek hai and has called for urgent cabinet meeting. “We do not want anyone to randomly issue an insult to the prime minister. We will be providing one hour slots to everyone including Modi, AAP and critics to insult Manmohan Singh.” – Instructed the PMO spokesperson.

Meanwhile, Modi has laughed away this plan of PMO. “Give me the charge of PMO for 60 hours and based on Gujarat’s experience with e-governance, we will completely automate emotional atyachar process for Manmohan Singh where every citizen of India can file an insult to Manmohan via online system that stays available for 24 hours.”

NASA offers job of counting stars to Rahul Gandhi after he accurately counts mosquitoes

After Rahul Gandhi declared his successful attempt of counting mosquitoes in Bundelkhand, NASA has approached this man with exceptional accuracy at counting tiny items. NASA wants Rahul Gandhi to join it’s project of counting stars.

Rahul Gandhi executing complex algorithm of counting stars in his mind at NASA headquarters

Rahul Gandhi executing complex algorithm of counting stars in his mind at NASA headquarters

“Rahul Gandhi is a man of Olympian talent !” – said a spokesperson at NASA’s stars counting project WISE. “We always needed someone with a sharp eye and strong mathematical skills who can execute complex tasks of counting without loosing track of it. We were really astonished when we heard the news that Rahul Gandhi precisely counted 25,000 mosquitoes in Bundelkhand. From the earth, stars appear no bigger than mosquitoes. Infact, counting starts is lot more easier than counting mosquitoes as mosquitoes are moving objects. If he can count black and moving mosquitoes in daytime, he sure can count shining and stationary stars at night !”

“He also has deep domain understanding of space. He knows escape velocity of Jupiter too !” – added NASA’s spokesperson.

“Rahul Gandhi has a very unique way of dealing with numbers.” – Informed Rahul Gandhi’s primary school teacher at Doon school. “He looks at similar looking objects and store their snapshots in memory. In spare time, he brings those memories back and runs his complex algorithm of pattern matching and thus counting objects. With this algorithm, he comes up with most accurate count. When he was a child, he looked at Congress party’s election symbol just once and within eight months he came back to me and said FIVE fingers ! Right then I knew Rahul baba is going places !” recalled Rahul Gandhi’s teacher.

“This is not the first time Rahul baba has put his talent to use. We have used his algorithm to count total loss in 2G scam and that’s how we derived the conclusion that total loss was zero.” – revealed Kapil Sibal while answering a reporter’s question that why Rahul Gandhi is not using his counting skills to count how many scams took place under UPA government.

Meanwhile, Robert Vadra and DLF are trying to workout a deal with NASA for acquiring land on first 30% of stars that Rahul Gandhi counts before next financial year.

Media was denied Rahul Gandhi’s comment on this development as currently he is busy counting his 16,000 tribal wives.

Rahul Gandhi to marry 16,000 tribal women under shaadi security bill

A masterstroke of UPA government has brought cheers in tribal community of Madhya Pradesh. Under Shaadi Security Bill, Rahul Gandhi announced to marry 16,000 tribal women from MP.

“After the Food Security Bill, for the first time in India no one will be hungry. And after Shaadi Security Bill, for the first time in India no tribal and dalit woman will have to live unmarried.” – A confident Rahul revealed his vision for India to a gathering at Shahdol in MP.

“Just before the bill was put to vote, my mother was forced to leave parliament because of two consequent sneezes in the same financial year. When I took her to an unknown hospital in US specialized for cure of unknown illness, she could hardly breathe and tears welled up in her eyes. But she said Rahul, I fought for Shaadi Security Bill for years as I always wanted equal good for you and tribal women.” – he added with lot of emotions and sentiments.

Rahul Gandhi practicing to receive garlands from 16,000 tribal women.

Rahul Gandhi practicing to receive garlands from 16,000 tribal women.

Rahul had already uplifted dalit community with his escape velocity of Jupiter theory. Now the Shaadi Security Act, allows Rahul Gandhi to marry as many tribal and dalit women as possible for their welfare. Tribal or dalit women just need to bring their aadhar card with a garland for Rahul and he will accept them as his wives and move them to 10, Janpath.

We could not gather much information from Rahul as now he is gearing up for time management training so that he can divide his time equally among 16,000 tribal women and TV room with POGO and Cartoon Network.

Kapil Sibal criticized Narendra Modi for not sensing pulse of the youth. “He is an old and outdated generation. So is Shivraj Singh Chouhan. They are physically incapable to take such initiative. India needs a young generation to lead like Rahul. who takes his responsibility and ownership as a leader to whole new personal as well as marital level.”

Chidambaram has praised Rahul Gandhi for enrolling in such a strategic move that will ensure a big number of tribal and dalit votes in 2014 Lok Sabha election. “For an example, if Rahul marries 16,000 tribal women, he will be favored in elections by 16,000 tribal women + 32,000 tribal parents + 64,000 tribal neighbors +…so on…” He did the math and linked this equation with India’s economy.

“Even Krishna married 16,000 maidens for their welfare. I am sure Rahul baba can do more.” Digvijay Singh expressed his confidence.

Meanwhile, Mayawati has denied the rumors that she is now applying for an aadhar card.

Doon school denies admission to boy after he names Rahul Gandhi as Rahul Gandhi

In a major blow to ambitious parents, Doon school has denied admission to a boy after he recognized Sonia Gandhi’s son as Rahul Gandhi instead Pappu when shown his picture in general knowledge test. To the great disappointment of Mr Khurana and Mrs Khurana – their son Rahul (not to be confused with Pappu) recognized a man with Sonia Gandhi in a test picture as Rahul Gandhi instead Pappu.

Parents of Rahul (not to be confused with Pappu) always wanted him to be educated at Doon school. Now they are left with only option of schools in Italy.

Parents of Rahul (not to be confused with Pappu) always wanted him to be educated at Doon school. Now they are left with only option of schools in Italy.

“We both have ambitious dreams as Rahul Gandhi. We had put in lot of efforts in preparing our child for this interview. We always wanted him to study at Doon school. We had this dream of a child who would be groomed at doon school. Our dream was the only common factor between us that led us fall in love and get married.” Mr and Mrs Khurana expressed their sorrow and disappointment. “We even named him Rahul after Rahul Gandhi who is Doon school alumni. Now we will have to scarifies our dream just like Rahul Gandhi and so our marriage.”

When approached by media over this rejection, Doon school management took a firm stand. “So what Rahul Gandhi is a product of this institution? We agree that boy was showing excellent smartness when he pointed out gravity movie as a practical application of escape velocity of Jupiter. But once he recognized Rahul Gandhi as Rahul Gandhi and not Pappu, we lost all our expectations from his IQ. Entire nation knows him as Pappu. We maintain a great competency level and ensure the best of the aptitude in every candidate that we offer admission to. By allowing a boy as dumb as this, we are risking reputation of our teachers. The entire staff of Doon school will end up educating him !”

Sonia Gandhi offered her consolation from unknown hospital in US while being treated for unknown illness. “I can feel what those parents are going through. My son Rahul was also denied admission in the same Doon school when he said India is bigger than United States and Europe put together. Later I had to make his aptitude test files disappear the same way coal block allocation files went missing. I wish I can help Mr and Mrs Khurana but nowadays – unlike PMO, doon school is fully automated and accounted for like Gujarat government.”

Meanwhile, Modi government has offered their responsibility to educate Rahul. “Gujarat has a legacy of business sense. We sure can make a great business intellect out of Rahul doesn’t matter how pappu he is.”

Escape velocity of Jupiter thrusts dalit into outer space with Sandra Bullock

“Escape velocity of Jupiter is all I needed to make a dent in the universe.” – said a dalit villager after releasing himself from all knots with Sandra Bullock to save her life post calamities at International Space Station.

Dalit villager Nattha Das explaining to Sandra Bullock the concepts of gravity and how Rahul Gandhi transformed his life by proposing concepts about escape velocity of Jupiter

Dalit villager Nattha Das explaining to Sandra Bullock the concepts of gravity and how Rahul Gandhi transformed his life by proposing concepts about escape velocity of Jupiter

The dalit villager Nattha Das Manekpuri – whom history will forever remember as first dalit to reach outer space with escape velocity of Jupiter – was observed last at orbit of about 559 kilometers away from the Earth while he credited Rahul Gandhi for his achievement. He said – “If Rahul Gandhi hadn’t enlightened me about escape velocity of Jupiter, I’d still be a lost and slow dalit soul stuck to the earth.”

“I am not a slave of the earth’s gravity anymore!” He added and bid farewell to Sandra Bullock.

“I was taken aback by his first looks when he arrived to rescue me. I was not able to escape from malfunctioning international space station as I had no idea that I needed escape velocity of Jupiter and I was expecting a prince as charming as Rahul Gandhi to bring me back to the earth. Nevertheless, I could see Rahul Gandhi in Nattha who gave me second life.”

NASA and MIT affirmed concept of escape velocity and praised Rahul Gandhi for putting it at a good use. “We have never witnessed a common man reaping benefits of our research. We thank Rahul Gandhi for making us matter even after US government shut us down.”

Meanwhile, Rajesh Roshan has accused congress government for making a big issue out of escape velocity. “My son has used the same concept to fight the evil since past two Krish movies. How does that matter if he is not dalit? he has inspired many Indians !”.

Alfonso Cuarón from hollywood also thanked Rahul Gandhi and Nattha Das Manekpuri for taking this giant leap and giving him opportunity to create a 3D movie out of it. “Without Nattha’s courage, we would have never been able to shoot gravity movie. I have expressed my gratitude by arranging a special IMAX screening in 3D at Washington which Sonia Gandhi has promised to attend. She is just waiting for her next sneeze that will lead her to be admitted in hospital in United States.”

Following up on this story of escape velocity, Arnab Goswami has posed questions to Nattha demanding an answer that who funded his leap of faith to outer space. “The nation wants to know. Why he chose escape velocity of Jupiter when there are millions of slow dalits trapped by gravity of the earth.”